How Many Little Heartbeats?!

While at the Dr's office for our first scan, he kept telling me that just because we see the sacs where babies should be, doesn't mean that all of them will develop properly. I needed to come back the following Wednesday to see how many little heartbeats there were to determine more.

As the week progressed I was POSITIVE that there was no way all 4 babies would make it. After all, my Dr made it sound like there was the highest probability that they wouldn't. I set myself up for the fact that there may be twins and I was okay with that. No worries! The Lord gave us two hands - so I can make it work!

I went to my wonderful MOPS meeting on the Tuesday before the appointment. A friend who knew we were trying for #3 pulled me aside and asked how it was going, knowing full well I should have known if I were pregnant or not by that point. It was all I could do to keep myself from talking about it - I don't lie because (A) I'm horrible at it and (B) I always fell so guilty I tell the truth in the end anyway, so what's the point. BUT I figured avoiding the facts in this situation was all I could try to do!

S: "So... any news yet!?"

Me: "Well, we went to the Dr last Wednesday and we have to go again tomorrow."
S: "So does that mean you're pregnant?!"

Me: "There's definitely something going on, we are just going in tomorrow to see what else is developing" If only she knew that I really meant 4 instead of 1 !!!

Now, one thing you have to know about me is that I do NOT NOT NOT like people accompanying me to Dr's appointments. I never have in the first place - I deal with news better alone (good and bad) and in complete honesty I don't like having to make small talk in a waiting room with anyone... it is my quiet sanctuary (my only other one aside from the locked bathroom door - lol) where I can actually read a book/surf the web uninterrupted/sit and stare at the floor - whatever I may do, I can do it ALONE. Although that may come across as selfish - I really don't feel bad. It's my one chance to be Cassie... not mommy... not maid... not wife/daughter/sister/friend... I just get to sit there and be ME.

ANYWAY, although I do not enjoy people accompanying me on Dr visits, when my husband came home that night I told him that he would be coming with me to the next appointment and that was pretty much that! LOL :)

When we (yes we - I would have drugged and dragged my hubby there if I had to) went in for the ultrasound on Wednesday, the Dr counted up the heartbeats... four little flickers on the screen. Again, the nervous laughter resurfaced and my husband and I probably sounded like loons. I'm not sure if the Dr thought we were happy or very quickly loosing all our marbles (He didn't know we lost our marbles a while ago).

We weren't even a few hundred feet from the office when I totally lost it. I mean I was ugly crying and couldn't control myself. Hyperventilating, waterfall of tears, scrunched up face, snot... like I said, ugly crying. I didn't care though, I couldn't even form words - it was just too much for me to handle.

The week that followed was intense. I went through the emotional spectrum it seemed like on an hourly basis. And I felt ashamed of it too... how could I be depressed when the Lord was entrusting us with these little souls?? After researching and reading other's blogs who also had quads, I began to feel normal. It is a scary thing to handle and that's alright... I can find joy in it now and have realized it is going to take "baby steps" (almost took that out... so corny) for our family to adjust to our growing family.

What we can use now is prayers. Here are some things you can pray about specifically:

1. That I will daily continue to find the joy in our changing lives.
2. The babies will continue to be healthy.
3. Our daughter "Angel" will find peace in having her life change in such a huge way. Being older, and the one-and-only for 11 years, this is a hard change for her.
4. My husband and I will grow stronger in each other.
5. As horrible as I feel for writing this one - I would ask for prayers that I just accept and am thankful for what the Lord has blessed us with. I have been questioning His decision, His ways, His general (mis)understanding of how strong I actually am as a woman... I need His strength more then ever now, and I need to know this.

Thanks for the love and prayers! Check in tomorrow for baby pix and updates on their development thus far :)